The Daily Grind
by hiddenmoments
Summary: A typical week with our favourite FBI agents. Features caffeine addiction, gratuitous abuse of scented stationary, blatant disregard for everything our parents teach us about basic safety precautions, misappropriation of government resources and shameless mockery of everything that was once held sacred, probably including the law. I apologise in advance.
1. Monday

**_Still don't own it, but something a little different this time. I think I burned through the angst/drama stores and they need some time to replenish themselves while I dabble in some off-the-wall insanity. I'm not sure whether I'm any good at humour but here's hoping it goes well! A special mention to _**_notsing**, in solidarity as caffeine addicts and zombies before the morning cup of life. Lattes for everyone!**_

**Monday**: _Colby's love affair with Don's coffee making skills reaches a new high. Or low, depending on how you look at it. Megan is amused, David is confused and everyone else wonders just what is going on as Colby and a junior agent attempt to manipulate the situation. Features liberal application of classical conditioning techniques, subliminal messaging and some shameless abuse of the stationary privileges given to government employees.  
_  
_07:18_

In Colby Granger's opinion, there is nothing worse than having to be at the office bright and early on a Monday morning. It doesn't matter that he hadn't _left _the office until well into Sunday evening so technically it wasn't any different to another week-night, there is just something inherently wrong with Monday mornings.

Not even a solid eight hours sleep makes it easier and there is definitely something wrong with that because before last night, he doesn't remember the last time he had that much sleep. Wandering into the bullpen, he catches sight of a familiar dark head hunched over a desk and instantly feels just a little better.

He is willing to bet that Don had been stuck here at least an hour longer than him last night _and _his team leader makes the best coffee out of the lot of them. The pot that must be waiting in the break room is going to wake him up like nothing else could. The thought makes his step a little lighter and it becomes just a little easier to keep his eyes properly open, and avoid walking into any desks. Setting off several car alarms and bruising his hip on a rearview mirror in the car park hadn't quite managed that. He really hopes that no one thinks to check the security camera footage because honestly, he's seen drunks with better coordination than he has this morning.

Already halfway across the bullpen, he can see the coffee pot out of the corner of his eye and is almost salivating when Don looks up and offers him a nod in greeting. He returns it just before he makes it into the break room, wondering whether this is what Pavlov's dogs felt like and then whether Don was trying to train him. Pouring a tall cup of the still steaming coffee and taking a mouthful, he decides that Monday mornings might be the singularly most horrible time of the week but when you have a boss that can make liquid gold out of the same stuff that always turns to sludge when you try, it could definitely be worse.

On his second cup, he leaves the break room and puts a fresh cup down on Don's desk as he passes by on his way to his own. "You know, I always wondered why you got all the ladies," he says, sprawling in his chair with the cup held to his chest. "But now I've got it figured out."

Don raises an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth twitches as he takes a sip of the coffee. "Oh yeah?"

Colby nods. "Oh yeah. First I figured it was the job thing. I mean, that whole protector thing drives the ladies mad."

Don swallows another mouthful of coffee with difficulty. Swallowing and laughing aren't easy to do in tandem. "Y-yeah? You'd know all about that, you and your harem?"

Deciding to ignore the comment because he's feeling rather charitable considering the coffee in his hand, he waves his free one dismissively. "But then I realised it is definitely your coffee making skills. I mean, we have the worst coffee in the world. You buy the good stuff and make it like this? She spends the night and gets to wake up to the nectar of the gods. It would be a pretty sweet deal even if it meant dealing with you every morning." He thinks for a moment. "You do make them coffee, don't you?"

"You know, I thought this conversation was going to be awkward because of the allusion to my sex life but you've somehow managed to completely outdo yourself, Granger." Don looks a little dumbfounded and Colby doesn't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Someone like Don needs to be kept on their toes occasionally.

"We leave you two alone for half an hour and you get onto the juicy subjects without us?" Megan sounds amused as she leans up against the side of Don's desk and Colby knows that means the conversation is probably going to degenerate even further in the next few minutes. He's definitely feeling up to it though, maybe even looking forward to it. Don's coffee makes even a Monday morning bearable.

"I'm just telling Don that I've got his secret figured out," he says, gesturing a little with his coffee. "I mean, I knew it wasn't his looks or charm that had women falling into his bed."

"Hey!" Don narrows his eyes. "I'll have you know, ladies consider me pretty attractive, not to mention charming."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist," Megan says, waving a hand at him. "Do continue, Granger. I'm curious now. I always thought it was the dark, brooding thing, personally, but I'm all for debating this mysterious talent."

"So am I," David says, settling into the seat beside Colby and flashing a wicked grin. "Maybe we can patent it?"

Don leans back in his chair with a resigned expression. "You know, the amount of insubordination in this team has got to be the highest in the whole Bureau. Obviously I'm nowhere near harsh enough in your performance evaluations."

"If everyone would stop bitching at each other long enough for me to finish, I could explain," Colby says, frowning as he realises he's out of coffee. "They stay when they realise how awesome he is at making coffee. Speaking of coffee, Don, are you going put a fresh pot on?"

"It certainly explains why _you're_ single," Don says haughtily, getting up and deliberately knocking Colby's chair on his way past as Megan and David laugh. "You touch the machine and it turns to toxic sludge. No, a _bio-weapon_."

"Are you making another pot?" Colby had no idea his voice could sound so desperately hopeful. This conversation has definitely _not _gone as well as he'd hoped it would, especially if Don is refusing to make more coffee.

Megan looks dubious as Don continues through the bullpen. David frowns. "He wouldn't let the rest of the floor die because of your sludge. He isn't sadistic."

Panic settling in his gut, Colby almost leaps from his seat and hurries after their boss. "Don? Don! You wouldn't do that to the others, would you?"

Sharing a look, David and Megan watch him run after Don. After a moment, Megan leans over to grab the stack of post-it notes and a pen and writes a note to herself to pick up some latte-in-a-can. She sticks it to her desk and heads towards the break room.

Maybe if she's lucky there's enough lukewarm in the bottom of the pot left to wake her up until she can reasonably go for lunch.

_09:23_

Colby, slumped dejectedly in his seat, is not pleased. Don is definitely ignoring him.

This is not how today was supposed to go, he thinks. He really needs another coffee but isn't tired enough to drink the admittedly terrible sludge that is all he can coax from the machine. He tried, and then gave it to Tim King who said his men could use the toughening up. He spares a moment of silence, and pity, for the SWAT agents.

David is worse than useless, the lunatic man doesn't even really drink coffee and Megan is far too smug for him to even think about asking her for help. Plus, she might decide to demonstrate some more Krav Maga moves on him. His ego, and coccyx bone, is still smarting from the last time.

Ana Springton, a new junior agent that he's worked with a couple of times, must notice and take pity because she brings him over a cup while he's still trying to figure out how to simultaneously appease Don enough to return to coffee making and not compromise his dignity by begging.

It hasn't been long enough to resort to begging yet, he still has a little pride left.

She puts the cup down on his desk and smiles. He looks up briefly and nods in thanks even though he knows it will be little better than tar before returning his gaze to Don's cubicle. A psychic would be really helpful right now and he wonders if Simon Kraft is available for private work.

"Is everything okay, Agent Granger?"

He frowns before looking back at her. "No, it isn't. Don's mad at me and won't make coffee anymore."

She looks confused.

"Mad at you? What did you do?"

"I told him I figured out why he's so good with women," he mutters. "How well he makes coffee. In hindsight, it wasn't a brilliant plan."

Ana bursts out laughing and everyone turns to look at them. Colby ducks his head behind his computer screen, shooting her a glare as she tries to muffle it to the occasional giggle.

Eventually, everyone turns back to their own business and Ana crouches down beside him, looking vaguely apologetic. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. Can I help at all?"

"I need to convince him to start making the coffee again," Colby says, risking a glance over the glass and then straightening when he is sure that Don's attention is back on his computer. "Without him realising that I'm convincing him."

Ana studies the back of Don's head for a long moment. "Have you thought about subliminal messaging or classical conditioning or something?" she asks. "I mean, there's hardly an agent in the Bureau that isn't addicted to coffee. He's going to be missing it just as badly as you."

"You're right," Colby says, studying the back of Don's head too. "So I just need to make him think about coffee and he'll want it too. Then I need to be really clever about convincing him to share."

"It's how you're going to make him think about coffee that's the difficult part," Ana continues thoughtfully. "He's pretty cluey, isn't he?"

"Too cluey sometimes," Colby grumbles, fiddling absently with a pen. "You guys are quiet too, right? Meet me in the break room in five? We can brainstorm without them noticing."

Ana nods before returning to her own desk and paperwork that suddenly seems extra boring. They have all the fun in Don Eppes' squad, and the good coffee.

_12:01_

Megan makes a run for it as soon as it hits noon, not even bothering to grab orders from the others. She's spent the entire morning watching Colby and the junior agent from across the bullpen plot _something _that seems to involve a lot of them looking at the back of Don's head instead of actually doing her paperwork.

It obviously has something to do with the fact that Don hasn't been near the coffee maker since their conversation a few hours earlier. It has all the signs of something that is going to go to hell very shortly and she has a feeling that they're all going to need a lot of coffee to deal with it.

Hoarding the latte-in-a-can supply she is planning on buying under her desk, possibly protected by several booby-traps, sounds like a good way to proceed.

Maybe if she bats her eyelashes enough the cute storeman from the grocery place she gets them from will bring them up to the bullpen for her. That image keeps her amused all the way through the deliciously greasy burger she decides on for lunch.

Convincing the storeman to deliver the box is easily done and they have a very rewarding discussion about booby traps as he accompanies her back towards the FBI building.

_12:56_

Don comes back from the bathroom and finds a ludicrously bright pink piece of paper covering his computer screen. There is a large picture of a steaming cup of coffee glued, rather lopsidedly if he's honest, in the middle.

He chuckles to himself as he removes the tape and sticks it up on the glass behind the screen. Colby is the worst sneak in the world and he wonders how on earth he ever managed to get through stealth training. The new agent from Tommy McLean's team isn't exactly subtle either and he wonders whether he should have a word with the other agent about getting both their teams in for some remedial training.

If he hadn't seen them plotting in the break room earlier, choking down laughably bad coffee, he would have thought she was interested in a whole lot more than the back of his head.

As it is, he can see that this is going to become interesting and decides that there's no harm in letting them have some fun while things are quiet.

_16:19_

David watches as Don peels yet another post-it note from his computer screen and sticks it with the others decorating the large picture of a coffee mug.

It hasn't even been ten hours yet and Colby looks a little wide-eyed and twitchy whereas Don just looks smugly amused.

He's suddenly glad he doesn't depend on coffee like the rest of them as he notices a couple of other agents watching their section of the bullpen intently. It looks like it could quickly become a floor-wide phenomenon.

If it went floor-wide it would probably get a capitalised name, he figures. Something like The Violent Crimes Coffee Drought, maybe. He frowns. That isn't anywhere near dramatic enough considering how the beverage is pretty much lifeblood in the building.

Megan is on the phone organising some subpoenas for the fraud case they're trying to close, but her eyes keep drifting across to where Colby and Ana Springton seem to be trying to communicate via some kind of overly complicated, bastardized sign language.

He gives up trying to decipher it when they start what looks like a staring contest before opening up an instant messenger window to his partner.

**Colby, what the hell is going on?**

It takes Colby an inordinately long time to reply, probably because he didn't want to forfeit the staring contest and had to wait for Springton to be distracted.

**Trying to convince Don that he wants coffee just as badly as we do without him realising what we're doing**.

He has to read it several times. They think that they're actually achieving that?

Twisting around to throw the other man a disbelieving look is pointless because beating Springton wasn't enough, now he's obviously trying to win against the back of Don's head.

Turning back to his computer, he wonders how the fact that Don's eyes are on the _front_ of his head has evaded Colby.  
**  
You're being subtle? Sorry to burst your bubble man, but you're not. You're about as subtle as a rhino in a china shop.**

A balled up piece of paper hits him in the back of his own head and he gives up even trying.

_16:37_

Don and Megan have gone off with subpoenas in hand to hopefully get what they need to close the case and David is using the respite to attempt to finish the report that he's been struggling with since lunchtime when he hears someone approach.

"Granger!"

Colby whirls around in his chair, almost crashing into Ana. She jumps back and David shoots them both an incredulous look.

"Are you two FBI agents or a pair of schoolgirls?"

Colby doesn't dignify that with a response, instead looking at Ana. She follows his lead and holds out a small stack of almost offensively bright orange post-it notes.

"They smell like real oranges!" she says excitedly. "I found them in the stationary room."

Colby's entire posture lifts, a grin stretching his mouth impossibly wide as he grabs for them, bringing them close to his nose. He turns to David.

"Does Don like the smell of oranges?"

David groans.

_18:51_

Don and Megan return, pizza boxes in hand, and good news all round for the closure of the case.

Deliberately putting a box down in front of Colby, Don smiles good-naturedly. "Enjoy your dinner, Colb. Once you're done with your share of the paperwork feel free to head home, another early start tomorrow."

Colby looks up hopefully but he can somehow tell Don's smirking even though all he can see is the other man's back. When he opens the pizza box, the picture and all the assorted post-it notes from throughout the day are stuck to the inside.

He hadn't even noticed they were gone. They're also arranged into a grease-stained and rather cheesy but deliberate smiley face that is _definitely _mocking him.

This is going to be harder than he thought.

_20:25_

Before he goes home, he makes sure Don is distracted and sticks the bright orange post-it note to the side of the other man's computer before heading towards the elevator with his hands in his pockets and wondering whether there was another pad of those scented orange ones in the stationary room.

Maybe they have lemon ones. He _knows_ Don likes lemon meringue pie and it certainly can't hurt his cause.

* * *

Coming up on **Tuesday**! _David's always thought joggers were sketchy, ever since he was a kid. They're __**always**__ the first people to find the bodies. When they catch a murder case where the body was found by yet another jogger, he enlists Charlie and his NSA-earned assassination knowledge to help convince the others of this fact. Incidentally, they are all joggers themselves and it doesn't exactly go to plan. Megan attempts to make his head explode with nothing but the power of her mind and Colby is useless because Don has decided to stop making coffee indefinitely. He decides that he doesn't like that junior agent that's been hanging around either. She's probably a jogger too._


	2. Tuesday

_**If any of you are thinking I've gone completely around the bend, well, you may not be wrong. I'm even worrying myself a little bit. Also, to the **__Guest__** who reviewed: good point on the fraud case. We'll just pretend it was a favour for another squad. Your point about Charlie and the NSA though, he does mention learning a lot about assassination from them in the episode with Gabriel Ruiz and that's what David plans on using, namely the first rule of assassination being to always be the first to respond.**_

**Tuesday**

_07:09_

David has seen some pretty bizarre things working for the FBI. Tel Aviv was an eye opener for sure, but even the stuff that goes down in Los Angeles can be enough to make him blink and do a doubletake. Funnily enough, he was less reticent to enter places known to be riddled with live explosives than he is to leave his apartment and go to the office on Tuesday morning.

Megan had texted him at about half past six, asking if he had the same dream she did. Turns out that yesterday was either a shared hallucination or an unfortunate reality. They'd both received a call from Don not long afterwards, and he'd picked her up on the way to the crime scene.

She swings herself into the car, hands him a thermos and buckles her seatbelt. "Maybe Don will make coffee this morning just because he'll need it to get through the case," she says, forgoing a greeting. "Granger and Springton can't pull insanity like yesterday while we're actually on a case."

He's tempted to agree with her just to try and convince himself, but he usually makes it a point not to lie so he doesn't answer and just pulls back into traffic.

Megan's head meets the window and the dull thudding sound fills them both with a deep sense of foreboding.

David switches the sirens on for dramatic effect.

_07:52_

When they arrive, Don briefs them quickly. He looks unfairly awake and on the ball and David hears Megan muttering some rather unsavoury, unflattering things about their boss' parentage. He nudges her and hisses "Think about the food you're insulting, Reeves."

She falls silent, still glaring unhappily.

"Victim is Kyle Stenson," Don says, waving a hand at the body. "Marie Savage, twenty four, found him a couple hours ago on her morning run. Lieutenant Walker called me when they got a positive ID, he was DEA up in Seattle about ten years ago before he decided to become a teacher and they thought we might like to handle it."

David frowns. Joggers _always _find the bodies. There were at least four cases already this year where murder victims were found and reported by people 'out on their morning run'. He's never trusted people who go for morning runs. Given the choice between sleep and a sweat session, he knows which one he would take and it isn't the one that would let him be the first at the scene of a crime.

Megan is looking at him curiously when he shakes his head to refocus. Don is still talking but David isn't sure whether it's to him or the forensics officer that has just finished up doing whatever it is that they do. He tunes back in but keeps a wary eye out.

This Marie Savage should definitely be investigated further. He isn't above believing in signs and her surname might just be one.

_09:12_

Don gives them all their assignments when they get back to the office. Colby is already there, on the phone with the Seattle DEA office. Megan watches Don intently and David can pinpoint the exact second she realises that he isn't going to go in and make a pot of coffee. It would be right around the time she throws her pencil down on the desk and disappears under it for a few moments before emerging with one of those self-heating latte cans.

Ana Springton makes her way over to their desk with three cups. She looks curiously hopeful as she puts two down. "Dean from SWAT gave me these, he said he owes you something for yesterday."

Colby pushes back from the desk, panic all over his face. "Do not drink that."

"Please don't tell me you've upset someone from SWAT," David says bleakly, forgetting almost completely about the case. "Do you know what those guys can do?"

"I didn't do anything to them," Colby says. "Well. Not really, I was just a means to an end for King."

Putting her cup down on the desk as well, Ana puts some distance between herself and the potentially lethal beverage. "Do you think they poisoned it?"

"It was just coffee," Colby says. His expression says otherwise. "Okay, so it was really bad coffee. King said they needed to toughen up a little so I gave it to him."

"We're probably all going to die from friendly fire in the next operation they work with us," David says, putting his head in his hands and wondering what it was he'd done to have such bad karma. "Was this the coffee you made yesterday when Don went on strike?"

Colby nods, almost wincing.

"That stuff was practically sentient," Megan says conversationally, appearing from nowhere. "It can't have sat well in their stomachs. You guys are doomed." She raises her can of latte to her mouth and looks smugly satisfied.

Paling, Ana doesn't say anything before hurrying back to her own desk. Colby heads towards the war room where Don is, muttering about the chances of being sent out of the office for this case.

David turns to Megan, deliberately not looking at the three cups of what looks like coffee but is more than likely a chemical weapon. "So, I have a theory on this case."

"Mm?"

"That's the fourth murder victim who was found by someone allegedly out on a morning run," he says, wondering why the sight of Megan enjoying her latte made him jealous. "Do we ever seriously look at these people as suspects?"

Megan raises an eyebrow. "You think the people who call it in are the killers?"

"Well, remember that case with Gabriel Ruiz, the Colombian kid?"

Nodding, she takes another mouthful of coffee. "Sure, with the assassin right?"

"Didn't Charlie say that the first rule of assassination is to always be the first to respond? I was face to face with the guy who was trying to pull him out of the water. Maybe these joggers are the first people to respond because they're the ones who organise the whole thing."

There is a moment of silence before Megan very deliberately sets the can down and considers him. Her stare is a little unnerving and he hurries to continue. "I mean, surely people out running that early are pretty crazy anyway. Murder wouldn't be a stretch. I bet a bunch of murders are unsolved just because we don't think to investigate the people who call the bodies in."

"Okay, for one, they're always checked for motive and connection," Megan says bluntly. "You know that as well as I do, and two, are you comparing people who put their fitness before a sleep-in to murderers?"

"You make it sound completely unreasonable when you put it like that," he mutters, shooting her a dirty look. "I'm just saying that it happens too often for it to be a pure coincidence."

"It happens so often because they're the first people out and about and murderers are sometimes sloppy with disposing bodies." Megan sounds distinctly frosty now.

"I bet Charlie would say different," David says. Her expression is beginning to frighten him just a little but he isn't about to let a violent criminal walk free just because Megan is irrational and more than a little intimidating. "I bet if we investigate, there will be a whole lot of unsolved murders. There's probably a cult of joggers out there getting away with murder and laughing at us."

"You do know that Don runs in the mornings when he can? So do I, not to mention Granger. Lots of very reasonable people are concerned about keeping themselves healthy and in shape."

"You're trying to use Granger as an argument for _not _being insane?"

"Don and I then, forget I mentioned Granger. People who exercise regularly are generally in better emotional as well as physical health. Not exactly the profile of a killer."

David can't believe she is being so unreasonable. There is obviously a connection and his resolve to prove it solidifies. "I'm going to go talk to Don about it and then get Charlie in."

Megan laughs and turns back to her desk. "You do that."

_11:27_

Unfortunately, Don is not as impressed by his deductive reasoning as he'd hoped.

After a rather pointed remark from his boss about the benefits of regular physical activity and a healthier diet, he gives up. Snagging Colby, who has spent more of the morning looking wistfully at both Don and the break room, and Ana, who has become something of a leech, he heads for CalSci.

"Why are you coming along again?" he asks her as they get into his car and head towards the university.

She smiles. "My boss wants me to get more experience with fieldwork. He talked to Agent Eppes and said I could work this case with you guys. What are we doing, anyway?"

He explains his theory to her and fights the urge to pull over and tell her to get out when she laughs at him and repeats what Megan had said about the influence of exercise on mental and emotional stability.

The accusations about being a jogger herself don't seem to have their intended effect when she readily admits to enjoying the odd morning run.

A good fifteen minutes of sniping ensues and David decides he doesn't like her at all. The car is silent when Colby lifts his head from where it has been resting against the window.

"Can we stop at that Starbucks on the way back? I'm allowed in that one."

Previous feud forgotten, he and Ana share a bewildered glance in the rearview mirror and decide that it is probably safer not to ask.

._13:00_

Charlie immediately agrees to help David find the link between the joggers and various unsolved murders, much to Ana's disbelief. Larry and Amita eagerly offer their assistance too, excited by the chance to bring offenders who had slipped through loopholes in the system to justice. Colby still just looks confused.

Amita pulls David aside and asks quietly if the other agent has been concussed. David spares a glance at Colby and shakes his head. "Nah, he's just having caffeine withdrawal. I think he's been banned from the Starbucks closest to work and there was an incident yesterday morning and now Don won't make the coffee anymore. He's the only one who can make anything approaching good from that machine. There was an incident with the SWAT team as well. I think they might be trying to poison all of us in retaliation."

She shakes her head with a grin. "I don't know why I ever thought law enforcement was a solemn business."

"We can be serious," he says, but is distracted from continuing when he hears Ana and Colby begin to chatter excitedly. Hoping that there won't be a repeat of the fiasco with the post it notes, he turns towards them and finds them entranced by something Charlie is holding out.

"If those are scented markers, we're doomed," he mutters to Amita. "The entire office is a minefield of post-it notes that smell like orange because those two got it into their head that they could somehow use pictures of coffee and a bunch of post-its to convince Don to make coffee again."

"Trying to make him think about it unconsciously," Amita says agreeably, nodding. "Not a bad approach. Scent is really closely linked to memory and by making that memory stronger, someone who is already addicted to coffee will be encouraged to think about it and that will increase desire."

"Really?" David had been doubtful, but he trusts Amita's judgement. "I just thought they were mental."

_14:48_

Charlie has set up in one of the conference rooms and David is pretty sure that the glares from Megan are intended to make his head explode.

Their trip to Starbucks had gone remarkably well. Colby had been on his best behaviour and the two coffees he'd ordered even last until they get back to the office. He becomes something resembling a functioning human being, or as close to it as he ever comes on the best of days.

It isn't enough to convince him about the joggers though, and David fumes silently as he pulls a background check on Marie Savage and then begins looking for other similar cases. He's pretty sure that Colby just doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardise the possibility of Don spontaneously deciding to become the office barista again.

So much for bros before hos, he thinks. He isn't sure where coffee fits in the analogy but can't quite bring himself to care.

_16:20_

He finds a dozen unsolved murders across the country in the last two years where the body was found in the early morning by someone on their daily walk, jog or run. When Larry arrives and joins them, Megan drifts towards the conference room and David takes great pleasure in refusing her entry. He has a feeling his smile almost eats his whole face.

"Those of little faith are not allowed."

Her glares intensify when Larry falls firmly on David's side of the issue and is immediately swept up in theoretical debate with Charlie about how best to calculate probabilities and whatever else it is they're going to do. David isn't entirely sure on the particulars but that doesn't matter.

She mutters something about red cowgirl pyjamas and Larry looks up sharply. David firmly inserts himself between Megan and the door to the conference room. She is not going to take this from him, dammit.

By late afternoon, Colby has reverted back to the dazed, vague state he'd been in all morning. It's probably lucky that Don is out of the office because their boss would not be pleased with the state of the team.

_17:03_

Don returns, half triumphant and half pissed off, and stalks through the bullpen towards each of them. Somehow their reports of their activities thus far don't send him into an outright fury and he ends up in the ADs office for a reason that David doesn't really want to think about.

He imagines that they might be having a coffee party. Being an Assistant Director was surely enough to get a private coffee machine and theirs certainly wasn't above ordering Don to do his menial chores. The thought is enough to make David shudder briefly.

Megan is sitting at her desk, slamming around folders and shooting glares of death that make him a little afraid for his life. If he wasn't so certain that he was going to bust open a cult of athletic killers, he might reconsider co-opting Larry for this.

As it is, he draws on every single bit of that certainty when she leans close on her way to the bathroom. The leather of her shoulder holster brushes against his ear and is startlingly cold. It has _nothing _on her voice though.

"You've entered dangerous territory, Sinclair. I had to boobytrap my coffee and now you've brainwashed my boyfriend. This is going to get messy."

_18:20_

Colby has managed to sneak into the conference room with Ana and Charlie is lecturing them while he scrawls something on some dry erase boards. David has read enough files and feels he has enough evidence to listen in.

"… no, orange probably won't do anything. He's never been fussed about it. Too many cut up oranges at Little League games, I think they used to squeeze the juice into each other's eyes, or pants maybe. Who knows what was under those mudstains?"

"I knew those orange ones were a bad idea!"

"Shut up, Granger, it wasn't like you had any better ones. At least I was doing more than moping when my boss totally owned me."

"Orange wouldn't have made him want to kill you, just don't try mango. Dad had this mango scented car freshener phase and Don would get carsick sometimes and we managed to work out that it was always after he put a new one in."

"Did you write that down? No mango."

"How did I get voted secretary? Oh right, because your writing is chicken scrawl and you have no brainpower because you were stupid enough to offend the best coffee-maker in the office."

When he sees Charlie turn around with a deadly serious expression and glare at both of them, he almost expects one of Don's cans of kickass to explode. Instead, Charlie just speaks very calmly.

"You know that when you turn on each other is when he wins, right? United we stand, divided we fall."

David is pretty sure that yes, he has just fallen into a really, really alternate universe.

He almost expects to find Alan in the AD's chair.

Almost.

He isn't brave enough to go and look, and if he's honest, the fear is partly because he's terrified he'll laugh the second he sees Don and partly because he's worried that it really will be Alan sitting there with an old school sixshooter. Possibly a cowboy hat.

He _really_ needs some sleep.

* * *

Coming up on **Wednesday**! _Liz comes back from an assignment with Narcotics to find the team divided. Colby is following Don around with a kicked puppy air about him and there is a female agent she doesn't know following the both of them, David won't let anyone but Amita, Charlie and Larry into conference room 3C and there is an entire box of latte-in-a-can under Megan's desk. That isn't even mentioning the citrus scented post-it notes that keep popping up in the strangest places. Or the slice of lemon meringue pie in the fridge that will kill anyone except Don, according to the post-it notes._


	3. Wednesday

**_I discovered yesterday that my real life Coop has a very pretty girlfriend. This makes me very sad._**

**Wednesday**

_08:20_

Liz loves narcotics work, she really does, but it will be really nice to get back to the office and be surrounded by the team rather than sleazy dealers and junkies and that cocky DEA agent who is probably going to get himself shot in the face soon if he doesn't learn some impulse control.

She'd rather liked him until he opened his mouth and then he reminded her forcibly of her cousin Adrian. That was not a good thing. The thought still makes her shudder but she puts it out of her mind as she pulls into a parking spot and heads towards the entrance.

Darla at the front desk smiles at her as she goes through the metal detectors. "Back to VC this morning?" she asks pleasantly.

Liz nods, returning the smile. "Sure am. Miss anything exciting while I was away?"

Laughing, Darla waves her on. "I'm sure they'll fill you in when you get up there. Have a good day, Agent Warner."

Puzzled, Liz isn't quite sure what to think about that cryptic remark as she waits for an elevator, sharing an automatic smile with the SWAT agent waiting beside her.

A few moments later, the elevator lets her out at the bullpen and she nods at Tommy McLean who is heading the opposite way. He smiles, nods in greeting and the relieved expression on his face when he sees her is unexpected and a little confusing. Don hadn't mentioned anything unusual when she'd called last night to let him know that she was done with the bust and would be returning in the morning.

She catches sight of Megan, bent over her desk, but the rest of the team seems to be conspicuously absent. Making her way over, she smiles and offers a bright "I'm back!"

Megan whirls around and the relief on her face is even more confusing than Tommy McLean's. "Oh, thank god you're here." She presses a can into Liz's hands and her expression turns a little more desperate. "You have to help me, everyone has gone insane."

Alarmed now, Liz takes the can. "What's going on? Don didn't say anything about everyone going insane. Where is everyone?"

Scowling, Megan takes a deep drink of her own can and Liz realises that it is one of those latte drinks. She quickly twists her own to begin the heating process.

"He wouldn't have told you because it is at least half his fault. He's out on an interview and Granger and Springton are with him."

Taking a sip of latte, Liz frowns. "Springton? What the hell is going on?"

"She's one of McLean's juniors and has some kind of unholy alliance going with Granger. They're like Dumb and Dumber. Don stopped making coffee on Monday morning because Granger told him that's why he's so good with the ladies and everything has just gone downhill from there. We caught a murder case yesterday, former DEA agent, and Sinclair's come up with this harebrained theory about a cult of murderers who jog in the mornings. He's brainwashed Larry and I am going to kick his ass."

Blinking, she needs another long drink to even begin to process that. "Wow, gone for a few days and I miss all the excitement."

"You haven't even seen the post-it explosion yet."

_09:31_

Megan is briefing Liz on the case when Amita emerges from the elevator and heads towards the conference rooms with a wave. Liz returns the wave and makes to get up and follow the younger woman but Megan just pulls out another latte and stays put.

"Okay, I'm guessing this conspiracy involves Amita and Charlie too?"

"You won't get into the conference room unless you're a believer. Sinclair has a doorlist."

"He can't seriously think that there is a cult of jogging murderers." The morning so far has felt a bit like falling into the twilight zone. "Not to mention the fact that he's apparently convinced three of the smartest people in LA of it."

Megan pulls her legs up and rests her chin on her knees. "I think it has something to do with some kind of childhood trauma. Maybe abandonment issues, I don't know enough about his relationship with his mother to make a call on it. He seems to think that anyone who would rather go for a run than sleep is a few cents short of a dollar and is completely disregarding all the studies that say health and fitness has a positive effect on mental and emotional stability which isn't exactly indicative of murderous tendencies."

"And Don's _letting _him do this?"

"Don had pretty much the same reaction I did but gave him the go ahead to bring Charlie in and keep running down connections between the victim and the lady who found him. I don't think he knows exactly what's going on in the conference room either, but he's got his own angles on the case that he's running down anyway. He doesn't seem stressed about it which is unusual in itself but I am not going to look that gift-horse in the mouth. Taking Granger and Springton with him wasn't a bright idea on his part but at least it means we're post-it free for as long as they're out of the office."

Liz blinks. "If I didn't know any better I would say I was still on that narco raid and someone spiked my drink. Maybe we've fallen asleep at our desks?"

"Believe me, when they get back you'll _wish _that was what happened. I had this discussion with Sinclair yesterday morning before he decided to go and ruin my life."

_11:00_

Don returns mid-morning with Colby and a young female agent in tow. He flashes Liz a grin across the bullpen before answering his phone and heading towards a spare conference room. She raises her eyebrow at Megan who shrugs.

Colby is clutching a Starbucks coffee almost desperately and the agent who must be Ana Springton has one too but she looks distinctly less dependent on it. The sight is rather amusing considering Colby's usual tough man persona.

When he catches sight of her, he makes a beeline for the desk. Megan shuffles closer to her desk, hiding the latte stash from sight. Ana follows him, sipping happily from her coffee.

"Liz! You're back!"

She shares an alarmed look with Megan. "Hey Granger. What's up?"

"Do you think you could convince Don to make the coffee again?" he asks, a desperate edge in his voice that is more than a little frightening. "I think I might have crossed a line, but this has gone on too long."

"We're running out of ideas," Ana adds with a half-wave in greeting.

The conversation degenerates from there and when Colby suggests she withhold conjugal privileges, she draws the line.

He might think that Don's coffee is the biggest selling point but she knows that there is at least one other thing that he does far better and she isn't going to do anything to put that in jeopardy.

She's been away for nearly a week after all.

_13:11_

Leaning up against her desk, Don looks utterly relaxed compared to the other members of their team. Liz wonders what exactly is going on as she offers a smile when his hand lands on her shoulder, squeezing lightly.

"Welcome back, Agent Warner."

Definitely relaxed. She leans into the touch and grins. "Good to be back, Agent Eppes. Looks like I've missed all the fun while I was away."

His eyes crinkle in another smile. "Can I interest you in lunch?"

She slings her coat over her shoulder and allows him to help her up. "Only if you're buying and I get the run-down on whatever you slipped in the water supply."

Receiving a low, amused chuckle in response, he puts a hand at the small of her back and leads her towards the elevator. "Certainly."

Fifteen minutes later they're seated outside of a small café just down the street. Liz orders the pasta special because she doesn't remember the last time she had gnocchi, Don ordering a ridiculously complicated sandwich. The waitress obviously knows him quite well because she doesn't bat an eye.

Liz takes a sip of her iced tea and then puts her elbows on the table, pinning Don with a Look. "So. What's going on?"

His grin makes his eyes crinkle again.

_14:44_

When they come back to the office, Don's desk is littered with half a dozen post-it notes of various colours. There is a picture of a lemon meringue pie with a large, steaming cup of coffee crudely pasted beside it. Don leans down and sniffs a yellow post-it note that has nothing but a smiley face on it.

"They found lemon ones, I'm impressed."

Liz shakes her head and wonders how she's going to make it through the day without losing her mind.

_14:59_

Liz watches curiously as Megan makes at least four unwarranted trips past the conference room where Amita, Charlie and Larry are engrossed in discussion with an unusually animated David. She doesn't think he's even noticed that she's back yet and is kind of glad because she's partial to morning runs as well and doesn't want to be under scrutiny as a possible violent criminal.

There is a post-it note on her desk as well, warning her that the slice of lemon meringue pie in the break room fridge will kill her instantly should she take a bite. The handwriting looks suspiciously like Colby's, although considerably neater than usual.

She takes a wander to the fridge and sees what must be at least a quarter of an entire pie sitting on the top shelf with another post-it that says nothing but 'Don Eppes' in block letters.

When she heads back to her own desk, she sees Don heading towards the elevator and still looking quietly amused. The fact that they're in the middle of a murder investigation, not that you'd know it from everyone's behaviour, makes his unusual good mood even stranger.

Colby and Ana jump up from their huddle by the water cooler and hurry after Don. The pair remind Liz of overeager puppies and she stifles a giggle as Don pretends not to see them and presses close on the elevator doors. They make a run for the stairs and the next giggle makes it out.

Megan plops down across the walkway from her, looking disheartened.

Liz makes an effort to school her features in something approaching solemn sympathy. "Fleinhardt still brainwashed?"

The other woman scowls. "Yes. I have no idea how Sinclair did it, usually the red cowgirl pyjamas are more than enough to snap him out of whatever science fugue he's in but I've stopped getting more than the tiniest acknowledgement that I even exist."

Her frown is genuine this time. "Have we considered bugging the conference room after they leave? I mean, the whole idea is stupid. Surely with some intel we could poke enough holes in it to collapse the whole thing and then we could actually get on with finding the real murderer."

"Don seems to feel he has that covered," Megan says, rolling her eyes. "And I saw Sinclair sweep the room for bugs this morning. He did a very thorough job."

"Could we bug someone and send them in?" Liz suggests.

Megan considers it. "Granger and Springton managed to get in yesterday to talk to Charlie. I think it has to do with the fact that they're a bit like retarded puppies at the moment. Who knew caffeine withdrawal could do that to someone who got through Quantico?"

"I thought I was the only one who saw the puppy resemblance. I'm glad you feel like that too." Liz taps her chin for a moment and then catches sight of Tommy McLean and beckons him over. "McLean!"

The older agent strolls over, leaning up against the glass divider and nodding. "Welcome back, Warner. Reeves. Got your team under control yet?"

"I wish," Megan says under her breath. "You've known Don longer than any of us. Any clue on what he's up to?"

"He's never pulled the coffee stunt in the office before," Tommy says with a chuckle. "I heard he went on strike for a whole fortnight once at Quantico when he was instructing though. Apparently Edgerton threatened to shoot him."

"Great." Liz leans back in her chair and sighs. "So there's a precedent for a week and a half more of this."

"There's no Edgerton here to threaten to shoot him though," Megan points out gloomily. "So it could be longer. Also, what is with your junior teaming up with Granger? We have a hard enough time managing him on his own."

He laughs. "Before yesterday I had no involvement in that but then I agreed to lend her as a temporary partner so she gets some more field experience and Granger doesn't have to work alone while Sinclair does his conspiracy thing."

"Fantastic." Megan hands Liz another latte in a can and then drops her face onto the desk. "This is definitely not going to end well."

_15:53_

David finally notices she's back around four in the afternoon and immediately tries to recruit her to his crack team of investigators.

She takes great pleasure in letting him down anything but gently.

"Sorry, Sinclair, it was a clause in the entry contract for LEOs. We aren't allowed to participate in any investigation that could compromise the group and well, you I can outrun. The running serial killers, not so much."

He is not impressed and Liz is suddenly very glad that Megan is Don's relief supervisor, not David.

She looks over to find the other woman with two halves of a pencil in her hands and a look in her eyes that can be nothing else but an attempt to make David's head explode with her mind.

On second thoughts, she just hopes that Don doesn't take time off any time soon.

They're all insane, clearly.

_17:09_

Don drops Ana and Colby back at the office, assigns them all a bunch of seemingly random tasks, rolls his eyes at the conference room where the dry erase boards make less sense than usual and then disappears again.

He does tell Liz that he'll see her at his apartment at about nine though, so she isn't quite as bothered by this unusual behaviour as the others. Colby watches Don leave with a wounded expression.

"He isn't going to get to eat his pie," Ana says thoughtfully. "The warnings won't last if it's unclaimed at the end of the day. Especially if the SWAT guys come on up."

Wounded expression gone and replaced with panic, Colby races for the break room.

Liz and Megan share a look that plainly says they want to see Colby follow Don all the way to the car park with an oversized slice of lemon meringue pie because it would possibly be the funniest thing they've ever seen.

Ana sits herself down in Colby's chair and swivels around a couple of times. "I don't know how you guys have the solve rate you do, or even get any work done ever," she says gleefully. "I haven't had this much fun since senior muck up day in high school."

"You have no idea," they say in unison before looking at each other suspiciously.

The _last _thing they need is for another one of those awkward mind-links to pop up. The last time that happened their menstrual cycles synchronised. As much as the current insanity is liable to destroy the office, Liz and Megan both know full well that if that level of synchronisation happens, LA itself will be in mortal peril for at least a week.

Colby emerges from the break room looking mutinous. The plate in his hands sports a considerably smaller slice of pie with another post-it note stuck next to the first one. It contains nothing but a stick figure with a big smile, a fork and a name badge that says 'D.E'.

Liz's position is just perfect for her to catch a glimpse of Tommy McLean out of the corner of her eye. The normally stoic, dignified agent, who has been in the office even longer than Don, is laughing so hard that no sound is actually coming out. She can even see a tear leaving his eye.

Obviously Don has more allies than they originally thought. This could very well be more interesting than they expected.

_18:10_

Colby's computer screen is visible when Liz turns around to ask him whether he thinks Don actually _wants _any of the information they're gathering. The Google home page is up and he is typing 'coffee making for dummies' into the search bar.

She can't help the burst of laughter that escapes. Megan cranes her neck far enough to see as well and the both of them dissolve into giggles. Ana shoots them a disapproving look which doesn't do anything except make them laugh harder.

"Those for dummies guides are really informative," she says. "I used them all the time in college. The one to learn Spanish was especially good, helped me get a date with this really cute guy on exchange."

"I don't have a choice anymore," Colby says and hits the enter button. "I'll settle for mediocrity. Don should have been a barista though, he really could have changed peoples' lives for the better."

* * *

Coming up on **Thursday**! _Megan is fighting the urge to send every single one of her erstwhile teammates to the naughty corner. Don is apparently content to run this investigation on his own and David has managed to brainwash Larry so thoroughly that not even her red cowgirl pyjamas will convince him that she's anything but unreasonable. Charlie's analogies are getting progressively weirder, Don is still refusing to make coffee, Liz is obviously playing both sides, Ana is still irritating and if Colby doesn't eviscerate himself running with scissors she is probably going to shoot him._


	4. Thursday

**_So sorry _**_**this has taken so long, I was even gifted with a four day weekend which means I should have completely smashed out the rest of this but all my brain wanted was angst, cough drops, potatoes, tissues and sleep. It was a given that the plague originally responsible for me confining myself to the house long enough to watch Numb3rs from beginning to end was going come back the week I have a fitness test, so I apologise if this isn't quite as good as the others but I'm pretty sure my brain is useless at the moment.**_

**Thursday**

_06:52_

Megan deliberately gets up early on Thursday to go for a run. Somehow it feels a little like punishing David even though she's the one left sweaty and panting when she drags herself into the bathroom and under the hot spray of the shower.

She swings by Starbucks on the way into the office, buying a coffee for everyone _except _David and his co-conspirators. The front desk staff all grin broadly at her as she goes through the detectors and towards the elevators.

Obviously the whole building knows about the chaos on their floor, it's a miracle there hasn't been a media expose on the secret workings of the FBI office. In the elevator she muses on it. The expose would have to be titled something really catchy and witty, because the public couldn't lose _all_faith in law enforcement. That would lead to anarchy, which really isn't all that different from the office at the moment.

**The fight against crime won not by justice, but by caffeine.**

That sounds about right, she thinks as she steps out of the elevator and has to dodge what looks remarkably like a zombie in a suit, evidently someone who hasn't had their coffee already. This could well be an expose on the entire law enforcement community. Then there would be a second part, especially about this week and the insanity in their office.

**The week the caffeine system failed the FBI.**

She shakes her head to clear it as she wanders towards her desk. It really is a wonder the justice system hasn't fallen to its' knees already. A horrible thought strikes her.

What would happen if there was a shortage of coffee beans one day?

_07:28_

Colby almost falls to his knees and kisses her feet when he finds the tall, steaming Starbucks cup on his desk. It is hilarious and by far the best reaction she's ever received when buying coffee for colleagues. Liz and Ana thank her rather profusely because in the elevator on the way up Colby had been talking about possibly trying to put his newly acquired, Google-endorsed skills to use and make a pot when they arrived.

She shudders at the thought and takes a reassuring mouthful of her own.

Don picks his up and smiles gratefully at her and she resists the urge to narrow her eyes at him. She _knows_he's been getting coffee somewhere in the building because he's the only one not displaying the signs of withdrawal or making ten thousand Starbucks runs a day. She'd also checked under his desk and in the offices to see if he was hoarding a second supply, but he wasn't.

Still, his signature is the one she needs on her performance review. She can get away with forging it on other things but the performance reviews go straight from him to the AD, so she just returns the smile and watches him suspiciously as he heads off again. Out of the office. She has no idea what he's doing and it is irking her.

"Liz, did he say _anything_?"

A satisfied smirk settles on the younger woman's face. "Wasn't much talking going on."

Megan blinks, momentarily caught off guard by a surprisingly not entirely unwelcome image. Goddammit, she is going to _kill_David Sinclair. "Okay, Don is way better at this evil overlord thing than I ever gave him credit for. He's got Granger by the balls with coffee, you as a sex slave and is somehow managing to keep everyone else on his side. I'm not even grossed out."

Shrugging, Liz leans back in her seat. "Hey, Granger thinks the coffee making is his secret weapon. I know better."

Again, she is going to _kill _Sinclair and then ask Don for some lessons. Even bringing out the red cowgirl pyjamas hasn't worked and Megan does not enjoy the taste of failure. If asking Don for tips is what it will take to drag her boyfriend from David's nefarious clutches, then that is what she'll do.

The others can rot there because frankly, she isn't feeling very charitable towards any of them.

_09:17_

Amita, Charlie and Larry arrive and adjourn immediately to the conference room. Megan offers Larry a conciliatory smile and, for just a moment as he hesitates, she thinks she might have him until David's hand descends on the physicist's shoulder and he steers the smaller man into the room.

The look he shoots towards Megan is full of satisfaction.

"David Sinclair must die."

Liz snickers and Ana claps her hands together. "Oh, I love that movie!

Megan stares at her. "There's a movie about David falling into a pit filled with sharp sticks? I need to see it right now."

Liz's snicker turns into full blown laughter. "No, no. The movie, John Tucker Must Die?"

Nonplussed, Megan leans back in her seat. "Does John Tucker fall into a pit filled with sharp sticks?" She really hopes this John Tucker looks like David, it would solve a few of her problems.

"No, actually," Ana says. "He just dates a bunch of girls at the same time and they decide that he needs to be destroyed."

"Close enough," Megan says, a distinct growl in her voice as she focuses on the conference room. "Stealing my boyfriend kind of counts."

"Speaking of that," Ana says, sitting straighter and leaning towards the older agent. "What is up with Fleinhardt anyway? Red cowgirl pyjamas should totally be enough to drag him outta there."

"You obviously haven't spent much time with the resident Professors," Liz says as Megan tilts her head, eyes glazing just a little. "Puzzles of the intellectual variety are like crack to them."

"Would I get fired if I just stripped naked and walked into that conference room?" Megan asks vaguely, still focused on the room. "I think that might be enough."

Liz and Ana share a worried look. This is escalating quickly.

_10:11_

Megan only half notices the fact that Ana and Liz deliberately make sure to keep themselves between her and the conference room. She notices that Liz may or may not have her jacket ready to cover any spontaneous nudity but doesn't bother acknowledging it.

Don isn't there for any of them to try and fool into thinking that they're actually working and she's given up even attempting to pretend to be an FBI agent anymore. Colby's clearly regressed mentally to childhood and she thinks that if the bullpen were any less crowded, he would have found a corner and curled up with his thumb in his mouth. The glazed, wide-eyed expression he has is a little endearing once you get past the fear of drool.

As for herself, well, she thinks she's pulling off a pretty intimidating version of a woman scorned.

If only she really could make David's head explode with the power of her glare.

Life would be _dandy_.

_11:42_

Two hands close around Megan's wrists and she jumps, startled. Liz rolls her eyes. "Come on, we're making a Starbucks and lunch run and can't go to the one down the road because Granger's been blacklisted. You're coming too."

"But… Larry." Megan sounds disgruntled. "I want to use my wildcard."

"Not even going there," Ana says, blinking. She tugs on Megan's wrist harder. "Come on, we're hungry and for some reason I don't think leaving you here unsupervised is a good idea."

Megan scowls. "Who died and made you queen?"

Liz shakes her head and mouths a silent 'don't mind her' to Ana. "Reeves, come on. We'll get you some food and a nice fresh coffee, okay? You're frightening everyone."

"Obviously not frightening Sinclair enough," she growls and Liz yanks her up off her seat and hustles her towards the elevators, really hoping that she doesn't end up on the receiving end of some Krav Maga move that will make facial reconstructive surgery necessary.

Ana helpfully grabs her other arm and Megan is too busy glaring at the conference room as their awkward looking party, trailed by a still dejected looking Colby, waits for an elevator.

Liz thinks that if David wasn't black, he would be white as a ghost when he catches sight of Megan's face. The blinds of the conference room are quickly drawn and Megan mutters something under her breath that might be 'David Sinclair must die' again.

"We should drop by a DVD rental place and get a copy of John Tucker," Ana says happily. "We could have a girls' night in or something?"

Nudging Megan into the elevator, Liz makes a noncommittal sound as Colby joins them. "Maybe when we get Reeves laid again, I don't think confined spaces for longer than it'll take to get to the ground floor are a very good idea. We don't want to give her ideas."

Colby leans against the corner of the elevator and sighs.

"This week sucks."

"I'm having a great time!" Ana really doesn't understand just how painful a death Megan has planned for her once she's dealt with David.

_12:30_

Liz wonders if this is what a mother feels like when trying to take three kids under five shopping. Megan stays put at the table they choose but she still looks utterly murderous and it is beginning to attract some undue attention. Colby keeps trying to sit higher in his seat to see the baristas with an almost desperate look in his eyes. Ana is like a five year old with ADHD and finally Liz decides that they can deal with it themselves if they get lost.

"I'll be back with coffee and food soon," she says with a wary look at the trio.

"Triple shot, please," Colby says and is that _drool_?

She runs for the counter.

_13:44_

Megan is nursing another latte and what is possibly the biggest chocolate muffin she's ever seen when Don comes back from wherever he's been, looking unfairly satisfied. She watches through narrowed eyes as he and Liz have what definitely looks like eye sex from across the bullpen.

She pulls out her phone and begins composing a text message to David Sinclair.

**Sinclair. I want my boyfriend back. Now.**

It trills with a reply a couple of minutes later.

**Sorry** **Reeves, but Larry's a believer and you're not. For now, you'll need to remain apart because we can't take the risk that you'll sabotage our investigation.**

She growls out loud and Liz looks over with an alarmed expression. "Do we need to leave the building again?"

Just as Megan is about to respond, Colby and Ana sprint past with scissors held in front of them in precisely the way most people are taught to never carry them.

Megan's mouth closes tightly before she shouts.

"_Don't_ run with scissors! Did your mother not teach you _anything_?"

She would much rather eviscerate them herself. The stress relief might help.

Liz covers her face with her hands and drops backward into her chair, trying to stifle the laughter. This is getting seriously out of control, she decides with a giggle that is a hiccup if anyone asks.

_15:00_

Megan manhandles Charlie out of the conference room with a venomous look at David. She isn't entirely sure where Larry is at that moment but frankly, enough is enough.

"Okay, so I know that you've joined David's little batshit crazy club but whatever, if it floats your boat then fine. Why has he stolen Larry and what the heck is your brother up to?"

Charlie blinks. "Megan." He touches her arm lightly. "Are you feeling okay?"

She stares at him. "Am I feeling okay?"

Nodding slowly, Charlie looks at her earnestly. "You look flushed. If you aren't feeling well you should call Don and he'll probably send you home, it sounds like he thinks he's got everything under control." His expression turns curious. "Although I'm not sure what he thinks he's got under control, David and I are definitely on the right track."

"Marie Savage did not kill Kyle Stenson," she says bluntly. "She's tiny, maybe a hundred and ten pounds if you put her in the shower with all her clothes on. Stenson was ex-ATF and a really big guy. It was a revenge killing and there is absolutely no connection between the two to suggest it was here."

Charlie looks a little like a fish out of water. He recovers quickly though. "Size difference aside, the numbers are proving that the joggers finding the bodies happens far too often to be coincidence."

"Whatever, you stay in your happy little bubble of insanity. Why does David need Larry?" She really doesn't care about whether it was Savage or not anymore, Don seems to have it under control and that is plenty good enough for her.

"Well, physics is necessary to understand how-"

"Dumb it down, Charlie."

"Well, pure mathematics is something that's best done by talking about it. It's like a game, you play it better with others. I mean, granted, some amazing discoveries were made solo, Archimedes made his in a bathtub and we all know Larry's fondness for water-"

"I'm going to find your brother."

She takes a certain measure of satisfaction in the dumbfounded look on Charlie's face. Maybe now he'll think twice before launching into a spiel none of them will understand.

Still no closer to getting Larry back, unfortunately, but she gets a little more satisfaction from aiming a deliberate snarly face at David, who tugs Charlie back into the conference room.

This week really needs to end, she thinks. How can it only be Thursday?

_16:11_

Megan has a headache, Don has disappeared again, Liz looks smugly satisfied, the conference room blinds are closed and Ana and Colby are huddled together over his computer, whispering to each other.

Neither will meet her eyes after she shouted about the scissors but she doesn't have the emotional capacity or the energy to feel bad about it. It was for their own safety, really.

Tommy McLean wanders over late in the afternoon and puts a hand on her shoulder. She resists the urge to bite and wonders at what point this week she became a violent creature.

"You're looking a bit frazzled there, Reeves. I gave Don a call, he says he has the case under control and you can go home and get some rest. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on Granger and Springton and Warner seems to be holding her own okay. You feel better, okay?"

Nodding, she shuts off her computer and grabs her coat. "That actually sounds like a really good idea," she responds, surprising even herself with the calm voice she manages. "Thanks. I'll catch you tomorrow, yeah? Tell Don thanks when he gets back in and to give me a call if he needs a hand with whatever it is he's doing. Goodnight."

Liz waves a goodbye that she returns but Ana and Colby just look relieved before returning their attention to the computer. They can go back to running with scissors for all she cares. The mess won't bother her if she isn't there.

She has a few stops to make on the way home, she thinks in the elevator. The supermarket, the liquor store and that lovely little lingerie boutique. If the red cowgirl pyjamas aren't working maybe she has to change it up. Swap out her playbook, as Don would advise.

No more playing nice, not if she has anything to say about it.

* * *

Coming up on **Friday**! _Don surprises everyone by making a surprise arrest of the murderer. Some small part of him had hoped that proving the jogger's innocence would restore some sort of balance to the office but is sadly both disappointed and a little amused when David and Charlie remain completely convinced that there is a cult of jogging murderers at large and set about proving it, much to Megan's consternation. He's struggling to stay away from the coffee machine by this point as well as being worn down by the constant puppydog eyes so he takes pity on Colby and the two of them spend an inordinate amount of the day trying to find both the time and opportunity to have coffee in secret. Liz is suspicious and Ana might have the best intentions but does more harm than good._


	5. Friday

**_Some of the insanity in this one is definitely not my fault. Today was a surprisingly quiet day at work so I spent a lot of time people watching and my imagination got a little overactive as a result. This chapter contains possibly the one serious paragraph in the entire story and even that doesn't last very long._**

**Friday**

_05:11_

Liz is happily dead to the world when Don's phone begins vibrating early Friday morning. He makes a mad dash for the bathroom with it before answering the call.

"Coop, man, time difference!"

Billy's voice is amused. "I know, why'd you think I called at this time?"

Don laughs quietly and leans against the basin. "Good news, I'm guessing?"

"Have I ever let you down before?"

"There was that one time you were a bit slow and I got my clock cleaned with that windchime. I say that counts considering you nearly pissed yourself."

"Was your own fault for being stupid enough to think you could make it through that place without giving your location away. Aside from that I've never let you down. Your guy will be where we said he would in about four hours if everything goes to plan. Sent those files through to your email as well so you'll be able to get him even if he cottons on and does a runner."

Don grins. "Excellent. Hopefully it restores some order to the office. Got a bit much yesterday, Tommy ended up sending Megan home before she clawed David's face off."

Billy's laughter makes his smile widen. "Only you, Donnie. Has Granger got on his knees and begged your forgiveness yet?"

There's a snuffling noise from the bedroom and Don peeks his head around the corner but Liz is still fast asleep. He thinks she might be cuddling his pillow.

"Not yet," he says quietly, still smirking a bit. "Today might be the day though, I'm sick of lukewarm coffee and travel mugs. He's suffered enough but the others might have a few more days in them."

"I'm not too far behind Jarvis anyway, hopefully there's still some fun to be had by then."

Don chuckles. "I'll make sure of it. Will let you know how it goes this afternoon, alright?"

"Roger that and will see you soon. Keep your head down, alright?"

"Always do, you do the same. Looking forward to it."

He hangs up and takes care of business before going back into the bedroom where Liz has his pillow in a death grip. No way he's getting that back without a fight and it seems a little unfair when she's asleep.

Feeling a little devilish after the conversation with Coop, he quietly gets dressed in running gear and sends David a text.

**Feel like coming for a run? Got some friends who really want to meet you.**

David's reply arrives while he is tying his shoes in the hallway and is predictably full of profanity. He laughs the whole way down the stairs and onto the sidewalk.

_06:47_

When Liz enters the kitchen, still yawning a little, Don has coffee and breakfast ready. He smiles in greeting and her gaze turns playful.

"I got a pretty abusive text from Sinclair," she says and Don laughs, putting a plate on the table.

"Pretty sure he thinks we're both part of this cult," he says, giving her a light kiss good morning and nudging her towards the table. "Eat up, I have a feeling it's gonna be an interesting day."

She sits down, pulling the plate towards her and offering him a wry grin. "I could have done with that advice on Wednesday. Just saying."

_07:32_

Colby is the only one there when they arrive at the office. He brings the pleading eyes out from the second he sees them and Don is pretty sure he's suffered enough. Waiting until Liz is suitably distracted by her inbox, he makes his way over to Colby's desk.

"Morning Colb, you're here early."

The younger agent really does do pitiful like no one else, he realises. He's pretty sure Colby's lip is actually quivering.

"Morning Don."

Don grins. "Learned your lesson?"

He nods so fast and fervently that Don is actually worried his head is going to fly off his neck. "Yes. You're a god among men and the ladies are lucky for way more than your coffee."

Biting back the laughter is almost impossible. "Come on, there's another break room on the guest floor downstairs. Our little secret, yeah?"

Although the question practically burns his mouth, he refrains from asking whether Colby is actually drooling as they make a run for the elevator.

_08:05_

They still haven't managed to get to a coffee machine without being interrupted. So far, the list of coffeeblockers stands at Tommy McLean, Dispatch and Larry.

Don thinks that Larry didn't actually mean to interrupt them though, the physicist looks even more scattered than usual and keeps muttering about Megan's red cowgirl pyjamas.

Colby fills Don in quietly on what's been going on there. "David's going to get a practical demonstration of Megan's mad skills soon, I'm pretty sure. She nearly killed Charlie yesterday and Ana says that she can't really blame her, it's pretty bad when not even cowgirl pyjamas can fix things."

"I think Larry's going to have his mind blown before long," Don confides under his breath. "She's got a plan and I'm pretty sure he isn't going to know what hit him."

Half curious and half anxious, Colby watches as Larry wanders towards the conference room and manages to avoid Megan's desk. "He's going to need a hell of a bath to recover from this."

"I'm pretty sure the whole of LA is going to once this is over," Don says. He catches sight of Ana coming towards them, an easy smile on her face. "Christ, are we _ever _going to get a moment alone?"

"I would say we invite her to join but she can't keep her mouth shut." Colby sounds mournful. "The office would be all over us."

_09:00_

Don waits patiently behind his newspaper, a wary eye out for his target. He should probably have backup but he isn't anticipating trouble and it will be completely worth any bruises he might get to see David and Charlie's faces when he brings the guy in.

The man enters right around the time Coop had said he would, looking supremely confident and unbothered. That makes Don's blood boil a little. Stenson might have been less than a perfect agent but he doesn't think there is any excuse for betraying even a former colleague for money.

Casually rising, he puts his newspaper down and deliberately sets a course to intercept the man before he makes it to the counter. Might as well deprive the guy of his coffee as well, he's been torturing Colby for much less all week and this one hardly deserves mercy.

"Damian Jarvis?"

_11:13_

They both have a couple shiners on their faces when Don hustles a cuffed and rather irritated Jarvis of the elevator and towards the interrogation rooms. "Colby! Megan!" he calls. The stumble that sends Jarvis into the corner of a desk is most certainly not due to his knee in the back of the other man's.

Ana, Colby, Liz and Megan all turn around to look at him. He motions towards the interrogation room with his head, pushing Jarvis ahead of him.

"Take a seat," he says pleasantly, shutting the door behind the man and turning to face the other four.

"Got him," he continues. "Springton, you're in the observation room. Liz, you and Megan are with her. Colb, with me."

"Wait a second," Megan says, holding her hand and a can of latte up. "This is the guy who killed Stenson?"

"Sure is," Don says happily. "The guy Colby spoke to up in Seattle called me Tuesday afternoon, said I might want to look this one up. Ex-DEA as well, went dodgy. Turns out he was supposed to be around here, made a couple calls and found out he's made a bit of a name for himself. He did a runner shortly after, headed up towards Oregon and a friend of mine caught his trail. Chased him back down here and was lucky enough to get the jump on him earlier."

Colby looks smugly satisfied, Ana impressed. Liz is eyeing him in a rather predatory way and Megan just looks ecstatically happy. "I _knew _it wasn't Savage! I have to go find Sinclair."

They watch with interest as she bangs on the door of the conference room. "Got the Stenson murderer," she announces smugly.

"Did you get proof on Savage?" Charlie sounds excited.

Megan hurries back towards the interrogation room without saying anything but looking utterly gleeful. Don begins to think that maybe this won't be as much a resolution to the office war as an escalation.

He leans towards Colby. "We might have to go to my place, I don't think here is going to be safe for a while."

Colby nods slightly. "I think you're right."

Ana and Liz look at them oddly but Amita, David, Charlie and Larry are coming towards them and it seems like conflict is about to explode.

_13:26_

Jarvis confesses after about an hour of draining back and forth.

Don's eye is beginning to puff up a bit and Colby looks at him in concern when they get out of the interrogation room. Ana eagerly offers the do the paperwork for them and her knowing look is a little odd but neither of them are going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"I'm going to take Don to the ER to get checked out," Colby announces. Don tries to look as pitiful as possible although really, he's more concerned with getting a coffee. His eye is going to bruise regardless and he's pretty sure there are bite marks on his shoulder. Jarvis fought like a woman after the initial punch, kicking and biting and trying to pull hair. It was disconcerting enough for him to land a couple blows.

He has _no _idea how the guy took Stenson down, really, unless he was morally opposed to fighting back against women and the moral dilemma was what held him back. He's done tactical long enough to know that not fighting back against women can be a very bad idea. He hasn't had a female partner incapable of schooling him thoroughly since Albuquerque and even that had been a close thing.

Liz looks at Don questioningly. "You sure you don't want me to take you?"

Megan is too busy smiling at David, who looks rather disgruntled, and shooting coy glances at Larry, who looks utterly torn, to even notice the byplay going on as Ana makes a much bigger deal than necessary of telling Liz she needs help with the paperwork and to let the boys have their fun.

Don offers her an apologetic look as Colby grabs his arm. "No, no, that's fine," the younger agent says quickly. "We'll bring back food for everyone, my treat. Come on, Don."

They make it to the elevator and Don slumps against the wall as the doors close. "I am _so _glad that's over," he says. "Do you think Charlie and David are going to give it a rest now?"

Colby shrugs. "Savage is innocent, so I don't really see how they're going to prove anything. Unless they're planning on reopening all those cases and tracking down the joggers?"

Don groans and his head hits the wall.

"Reckon we've got time for more than one coffee?"

_14:02_

Liz stares blankly at Don's desk.

"Why do you think he'd rather Colby take him to the hospital than me?" she asks.

Ana looks up from her computer and swivels around, looking ridiculously pleased to have something to distract her from the paperwork she was already regretting volunteering for. The way she sees it, girltalk with Liz is much more rewarding.

"They've been kind of arguing all week," she points out. "Granger probably just wants to try and make it up to Don. The less conflict the better." She tilts her head towards Megan, who is humming happily and scrawling on a rather large array of post it notes. They both watch as she takes several across to David's desk and sticks them at random intervals across the computer and glass divider. She even puts a couple on the chair.

"Does that one say 'Glocks at dawn' or am I hallucinating?"

"I'm more worried about the one under it that says 'I want Larry back in the same condition you stole him in, bitch'. The image is making my eyes burn."

"We're probably going to need a priest soon."

_14:55_

Charlie and David accost Colby and Don as soon as they get back into the office. Both men, previously looking incredibly relaxed, immediately tense up.

"Look, sure, Jarvis confessed-"

"But we _know _we're onto something with this regardless of whatever crap Megan is dribbling about us-"

"The numbers don't lie, Don!"

Don blinks. Colby has his back to the wall and looks more than a little uncomfortable as he takes a couple of small steps to hide almost behind Don.

Ana and Liz watch curiously from their desks.

Megan has her eyes narrowed and gets up, heading towards the small group of people. "Sinclair. Charlie." Her voice is icy.

David turns away from Don to look at her. "Reeves. We're talking to Don right now."

"I can help but notice you still haven't returned Larry even though we've just proved you wrong."

"Larry is his own man, Megan, he's _choosing _to assist us in our investigation and believe me, there is no proof that we are wrong. Marie Savage may have been innocent but the numbers do not lie and they tell us that there is a definitive connection between those who get up early in the morning to indulge in athletic activities and the finding of dead bodies. My knowledge of assassination techniques from my work with the NSA suggests a causal-"

"Charlie, shut up. Sinclair, you have until tonight."

She turns on her heel and stalks back to her desk.

Charlie isn't the only dumfounded one and Colby and Don take advantage of that fact to slink away. Everyone is too busy staring at Megan, who seems to have finally snapped, to figure out which way they went.

_16:21_

Colby and Don are still MIA and the whole bullpen is still recovering.

Amita has abandoned what Ana helpfully dubs 'Sinclair's Titanic' and joined Ana, Liz and Megan in their little huddle. They have the lattes, so it really isn't a surprise.

"It was fun seeing which mathematical straws they were going to grasp at to try and prove such a crazy idea," the young woman says, shrugging, when Liz asks why she had joined in the first place. "When Don proved that the lady was innocent though I decided enough was enough."

She looks at Megan, patting her arm. "Larry's getting tired of it too, you'll have him back soon. I give Charlie until about noon tomorrow to realise that he's based all his math on a flawed premise and it falls down. There might be a tantrum."

"A math tantrum will be the icing on the cake of this week," Ana says. "I really don't know how you guys ever get anything done. I'm thinking about volunteering to work with you all more often."

"Usually everyone is a bit less insane," Amita says. "Where are Don and Colby, by the way?"

Liz frowns. "I don't know. They disappeared when Megan frightened the pants off Charlie. They've been doing that all day and I'm really weirded out by it."

"I think they're just reconnecting after the whole coffee thing. By tomorrow I think Don will be back at the coffee machine," Ana says brightly.

"Don could be concussed," Megan says, not taking her eyes off her computer screen. "That might be why he's willingly running off with Granger. Either that or Granger's brainwashed him like Sinclair did Larry."

"You're taking this really hard," Amita says gently. "You know what Larry's like with problems, especially with Charlie and David egging him on."

"The red cowgirl pyjamas didn't even break the brainwashing," Ana says quietly. "That was a bit of a suckerpunch."

"Ah. He _did _mutter about them a few times if that makes you feel better? I wondered whether I misheard him first but now it all makes sense."

Megan's expression suggests that yes, that certainly does make her feel better.

_17:19_

Don calls Billy as soon as he can get away from Colby, who seems to have instigated an at-the-hip attachment. If he'd known just how dependent the younger man was on his coffee he may have rethought the strike because this was going to get old quickly.

He gets voicemail. "Coop, he was right where you said he'd be. I brought him in earlier, he confessed and everything's sorted. Didn't work as planned, David and Charlie are still crazy and now I've got a shadow and a black eye but hopefully it eases off tomorrow. See you soon."

_17:59_

David leaves with Charlie and Larry when they aren't watching and Megan is not pleased. Liz takes a strange pleasure in Don's disappointed expression when she says that they're having a girls' night in to keep Megan from slaughtering David in his sleep.

On their way down in the elevator, Amita and Ana chat away happily, Megan is silently fuming and Liz mutters that Colby can take care of Don tonight seeing as they were so close now.

She and Megan share an unhappy glance in solidarity. Neither are fans of the other gender at all, especially now. Ana wonders whether she should mention the bite mark she'd seen on Don's shoulder when he returned from the alleged 'ER visit' with Colby and decides against it.

She doesn't want to out the pair if they're still in denial, after all.

* * *

Coming up on **Saturday**! _The chaos has gone viral. Don enlists a conveniently-in-town Billy Cooper to prove that hardly any escaped fugitives have jogging listed in their hobbies section, the most recent one included, and Ian Edgerton drops by, causing nothing but trouble. Megan is tempted to start busting out the Krav Maga because someone stole the last of her latte supply, Liz is pretty sure Colby and Don are having an affair and wonders whether she should share her suspicions with David before confronting them. Larry can't stop thinking about the red cowgirl pyjamas, Charlie realises that they may have been wrong about the joggers and wonders how he can admit it without actually saying they were wrong._


	6. Saturday

**_I don't even know where this is coming from by this point. There is obviously a part of my brain that I don't use regularly and I think this is probably the reason why. Apologies for the delay, I want to use the old 'my dog ate my homework' but sadly, that would be a lie. The fact that it features Coop and Ian will hopefully make up for it. This one and _**_Sunday __**to go!**_

**Saturday**

_06:09_

As he wanders towards the apartment building, Billy Cooper _really_hopes that Don still has that ridiculous bed because motel beds just aren't cutting it anymore. He thinks about unstained sheets and the smell of cologne instead of feet as he wanders across the street. Stopping suddenly, he blinks. Old habits die hard regardless of how tired he might be, as proven by the fact that his eyes pick out the Dodge with government plates in the visitors lot.

He's reasonably sure Don would have mentioned it if Liz had been staying over, as a 'you're probably going to walk in on naked canoodling so enter at your own risk' kind of thing. Not that they haven't had those kinds of miscommunications before, he muses, remembering that one time in Phoenix especially. He quickly refocuses before he remembers too much and the grin gets too wide, concentrating on the fact that they did eventually learn to warn each other better, the car and the fact that he's pretty sure there isn't another government employee living in the building so while it makes sense for it to be Liz, he doesn't really think it actually is. Plus, a Dodge wouldn't have been his first choice from what he knows of the woman.

His first pick for that Granger kid, on the other hand? Definitely.

Seeing someone dozing in the front seat, he takes an unholy amount of glee in smacking his hand against the unsuspecting agent's window, and even more in kindly offering a change of underwear.

"God, kid, you're gold. No wonder Don keeps you around."

_06:15_

Finding a grinning Coop and sheepish Colby at his door at quarter after six on a Saturday morning really should have been a sign of the apocalypse, Don figures, but he stupidly lets them in anyway.

Besides, he rationalises as Coop snickers the whole way into the kitchen and Colby looks at him with pleading eyes, there really aren't many more ways this week can get weirder. If he's honest, he's kind of curious.

A cat is probably going to end up dead as a result of the curiousity but it is way too early to be thinking about consequences.

_06:27_

Megan wakes up on the floor of her own living room with pounding temples, hair tickling the side of her face and a head that may or may not be drooling slightly on her stomach. The tangle of limbs on the couch is obviously Amita and Liz and the rest of the room looks like some kind of college party gone very, very wrong.

She looks down at Ana and through the dull ache in her head realises that she should have picked the woman for a cuddler. Looking up at Amita and Liz, she is suddenly pretty sure that she still managed to get the better end of the deal. There was much more contact going on up on the couch than down on the floor.

Deciding she doesn't want to know where the limbs she can't see are, she lets her head fall back onto the throw cushion beneath it, blinks a few times and runs through what she remembers of the previous night.

There was a stop at the liquor store on the way home from work, she definitely remembers that because the man on the counter had thought they were going to hold the store up. She frowns as she recalls him offering himself as a sex slave in exchange for his life and then running out the back when they showed their badges and not returning until, presumably, after they'd left. She vaguely remembers dropping by a DVD rental place as well. The young boy on the counter had been too terrified to do more than squeak but the teenage girl had looked at their selection and instantly understood.

There may have been a sneaky discount involved, she can't remember.

They'd put Mean Girls on while Amita and Ana did something that they called 'making dinner' in her kitchen. There is a brief flash of alarm before she remembers that they'd actually turned out to be pretty capable and dinner, and possibly what is missing from the enormous tray of debris that may have once been nachos on the coffee table, was the only reason the four of them hadn't ended up in the nearest emergency room with alcohol poisoning.

She and Liz had vented their frustrations with Larry and Don. Amita and Ana had joined in as well and it was probably lucky there were no males there. They wouldn't have survived. Megan frowns again, they'd all had some _really_bad dating stories.

Ana had been on a date once where the guy took her to a cyber café and watched really bad porn. After that, she thinks the conversation took a decidedly downward turn and they'd put John Tucker Must Die on. That seems to be where the memories get a little hazy and looking at the number of wine bottles around, she isn't really surprised.

Going back to sleep seems like the best idea she's had in a while so she twists a little, reaching down to put a handful of Ana's hair between the drool and her belly and then closes her eyes again.

Maybe they can all call in sick today.

_06:52_

Charlie is staring at the blackboards blankly.

There is something off about the expressions on the right side of it and he can't for the life of him figure out what it is.

He really wishes Don would go back to making the coffee, he's starting to think that making it himself is a good idea and there is not even a parallel universe where that is actually a good idea.

_07:11_

Still wide awake despite not actually having slept at all, Larry is pretty sure he hasn't thought of anything except Megan's red cowgirl pyjamas in approximately thirty hours.

There may have been a brief interlude of gratitude when Don had brought in Kyle Stenson's killer because frankly, Charlie was pulling mathematical rabbits out of a hat. While the problem had originally been intriguing, he is completely and utterly torn now. Megan seems displeased with him.

This is far more troubling than any of the millennium problems.

_07:28_

Colby is on his third coffee by the time they've eaten breakfast and Coop has crashed upstairs. Around his own coffee, Don grumbles about how _he_should still be sleeping but Colby only feels bad for as long as it takes before he swallows another mouthful of coffee.

"You know, Don, you _really_should have been a barista. I'm serious. You could have changed lives."

The disbelieving stare he gets in return is completely unwarranted so he goes back to his coffee.

_08:36_

David is in the conference room when Amita, Ana, Liz and Megan arrive. Megan is too hungover to do more than offer a half-hearted glare and sink into her chair, feeling sorry for herself. She and Liz had met outside the toilet earlier and shared a dread-filled glance. There are times when synchronicity is not a good idea.

When she reaches under her desk for a latte, her hand is greeted by empty air. She tries again, and a third time, before actually crouching down and looking at the place where she should have at least half a dozen of the canned drinks left.

Even the box is gone.

Liz, crouching beside her, goes pale and it has nothing to do with the hangover.

"Problem, ladies?" asks an amused voice.

Four heads spin around in unison.

_08:50_

Don enters the bullpen just before nine with Colby trailing behind him like some kind of oversized golden retriever puppy with an owner who was stupid enough to give him several cups of strong coffee.

One day he'll learn but he isn't going to hold his breath waiting for it.

He recognises Ian Edgerton instantly. The sniper is sitting happily on his desk, legs swinging and a smug look upon his face. "Eppes!"

To hell with it, he decides, if you can't beat them you might as well join them. Grinning, he nods his head. "Edgerton. To what do we owe the honour?"

What sounds suspiciously like a quiet wail comes from Megan's desk before Ian can answer. Don instantly looks towards the sound to see both Liz and Megan kneeling and half under the desk.

Amita and Ana, standing behind them, look decidedly worse for wear and Don figures that the girls night went about as well as expected for anything involving alcohol and having to go to work the next morning. "Liz? Megan?"

The glare he gets from Liz is less than deadly but he's sure that has more to do with the fact that he can almost see her temples throbbing and she's obviously having trouble keeping her eyes open than her actually not being mad at him. Megan just looks devastated, like someone has kicked her in the ovaries and then done the same to a puppy that she doesn't actually possess.

He shakes his head to clear it. Obviously the insanity is contagious and he's becoming infected.

"What happened?" Colby asks from behind him, sounding alarmed.

"The lattes are gone," Ana says at the same time Megan rocks backwards and into Liz's desk chair, somehow getting hopelessly twisted in the process. Don blinks, Colby makes a noise that might be horrified and Ian snorts audibly.

"And to think," the sniper is very obviously amused, "you guys are supposedly the envy of every field office in the country. Eppes, what did you put in their coffee?"

"He hasn't been _making_ our coffee," Liz snaps. "How do you think this insanity started? It was all _Granger_'s fault to begin with and now the lattes are gone and everything is falling apart because obviously you aren't here to threaten to shoot him!"

Megan's voice floats up from the tangle of limbs that might have resembled an FBI agent at some point. "Well said. If you're just here to laugh at us _or_if you're in cahoots with Don or, heaven forbid, Sinclair, Edgerton, I will not hesitate to kick your ass."

"Yeah!" Ana chimes in although the effect is somewhat ruined by the bloodshot eyes. "What are you even doing here if you aren't going to use that rifle to get our coffee privileges back?"

Ian slides off the desk quickly and joins Colby and Don. "Well, I _was _stopping by for some coffee but that obviously isn't happening." He leans into Don as Liz's eyes narrow dangerously and Megan begins to untangle herself from the chair. "On your go?"

Nodding, Don snags Colby's elbow and the trio make a run for it.

_11:33_

After hiding at the café down the street for well over two hours, because they couldn't go anywhere near the SWAT level with Colby in tow and they're pretty sure that Liz and Megan will be breathing fire for some time to come, Don's cell rings.

"Coop!" Don doesn't even care how ridiculously happy he sounds considering he'd only seen the other man four hours ago. "Sleep well?"

"I'm taking your bed with me when I leave, just a heads up. You can thank me for the consideration later when you help me steal a crane to get it away. Your people ready for masterclass?" Even through the cell speaker Don can practically hear the lazy grin on the other man's face.

"Anything to distract them from trying to claw our eyes out," he agrees. "We'll meet you out the front in a half hour, yeah?"

"Roger that. Have a sandwich waiting too, will you? I'm starving."

_12:15_

When they tentatively re-enter the bullpen, Coop is happily eating his sandwich and completely oblivious to the instant glares of Liz and Megan. Ana makes a half-hearted attempt at solidarity but her glare falls flat when Colby looks at her, betrayal and confusion written all over his face.

Don, a little in awe, attempts the same expression. If anything, it only seems to make Liz glare harder. He's almost positive she's taken a leaf from Megan's book and is attempting to make his head explode with her mind. A quick glance at Megan confirms that she has a similar glare directed at all of them.

He takes a moment to be ridiculously grateful, both for the proof that they all have thick skulls and that neither Liz nor Megan actually have the ability to makes things explode with their minds.

_12:29_

Disregarding David's aghast expression, Charlie's confused one and the reappearance of Larry's intent fixation upon Megan, the group invades the conference room. Temporarily united when presented with the prospect of disproving the jogging murderer cult theory, they manage to mix relatively bloodlessly.

Megan seats herself right beside Larry, deliberately invading his personal space and looking as coy as someone still suffering a hangover can manage. Ian thinks that it really is a rather impressive effort and briefly toys with the idea of commending her for it but she still looks like she could kill him easily. His reputation is rock solid and might be able to weather the storm but he would definitely rather avoid the blow of being thrashed by a hungover profiler if at all possible.

Ana leans across to Liz who is still refusing to acknowledge Don with anything but a glare and asks if she saw where Megan's hands disappeared to. Liz glances at the other woman and instantly blanches. That wave of nausea is not entirely the wine from the previous night's fault.

There are some wonders of the universe that are better off remaining unknown, in her professional opinion.

Clapping his hands, Coop sits on a table. "So good to be here, guys. I'm Billy Cooper from Fugitive Recovery and I already know a few of you. Edgerton and Donnie." The trio exchange a simultaneous chin lift and Amita can't help but feel like they should all be wearing reversed baseball caps.

Coop continues. "Sinclair and I bonded over stalking a lady's lingerie shopping through her trash a couple years back and Granger here and I met early this morning. So, for you others, you've got some measuring up to do. In the meantime, I'm here to talk about why serial killers do not generally have jogging listed in their hobbies section on their online dating profiles."

David tries to speak but Megan throws an eraser at him.

Ana leans towards Liz. "Found _one _of her hands."

_15:14_

Don is about ready to fire everybody, if he can stop laughing long enough.

David and Charlie argue with Coop the entire time. Liz keeps looking between him and Colby with expressions ranging from confusion to anger to what he kind of thinks is a cross between contemplation and arousal but he isn't going to chance that it isn't just a side effect of caffeine withdrawal.

Megan looks like the proverbial cat that got the cream. A somewhat stunned looking Larry is probably the cream. Amita and Ana spent the second half of the lecture, or the mudslinging match that pitted Charlie and David against Coop, passing notes. Don figures he could have warned them that there was no chance in hell they were going to win but he decided to take Coop's side and stay silent both because he thinks they're crazy and he likes Coop better anyway.

Ian just watches and Don thinks the way the befuddled look gradually becomes one of amusement is probably the funniest part of it all.

The sniper was right, to think that he's the envy of countless SACs across the country because of this bunch of lunatics.

_16:36_

Don makes a pot of coffee, deliberately ignoring the mad rush of half a dozen agents into the break room as he leaves, and takes a cup with four sugars and lots of milk over to Liz's desk. He doesn't know exactly what it is he's done wrong but he knows better than to ask her.

Better to just hope that looking appropriately pitiful and repentant will do the job.

_16:40_

His plan was a failure and Don decides to get out while he still has all his bits as Liz calmly spouts all kinds of insanity.

"Why don't _you _tell me what's wrong, Don? Honesty is a virtue. I won't be mad, okay so I will probably be mad for a while but I just want to know the truth."

He has no idea what she's talking about and neither does Colby when he makes it to the younger agent's desk where Coop and Ian are loitering too.

"Is it that time of month?" Coop asks curiously, craning his head around Don to look towards where Liz and Megan are talking quietly, hands flailing. "They could have one of those freaky menstrual links going on. Ma's would sync up with my sisters sometimes and man, Pop and I would just get the hell out of dodge when that happened."

Don groans and Colby tentatively pats his shoulder.

Liz's voice carries across the bullpen. "_Look!_"

"I say we get the hell out of dodge," Ian says calmly. "Can we take my car? Reeves' lattes are in the back and I don't want her to catch me with them."

* * *

Coming up on **Sunday**! _Alan had no idea that inviting everyone over for Sunday lunch was going to end like this. Wardrobe malfunctions abound, Charlie tells David that the joggers really are innocent, Megan and Larry make up, Billy, Ian and Millie enjoy all the chaos a little too much, Alan and Liz have a very awkward conversation and then Don and Colby end up in the kiddie pool which doesn't really help matters._


	7. Sunday

**_And so, the week of insanity rolls to a close. I'm not even going to attempt to justify the stupidly long time this took but hopefully it ties everything up like a neatly wrapped Christmas present for all those who have waited for it. Some questions will be answered, some relationships repaired, some craziness ended. Some questions will remain unanswered, some relationships left in limbo (or less than limbo), some craziness there to stay. I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have!_**

_**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**_

**Sunday**

_08:12_

Alan contemplates the weather report for a few minutes before deciding to go ahead and invite the team around for lunch. A gorgeous day like the one they're predicting shouldn't be wasted.

Good company, good conversation, good food. He thinks that he even has a kiddie pool in the garage that he could set up. Lining it with chairs for a cool feet and leg soaking would be a nice touch, he figures.

He bets they could use it. He's hardly seen hide nor hair of a single one of them this week and that usually means that they're run off their feet with another crazy case. It'd be nice for them to have a relaxing afternoon in the sun, he just hopes that they actually have today _off_.

_08:36_

Colby wakes up with a dull pounding in his skull that somehow sounds like a ringing phone. A pillow hits him in the face and he rolls sideways in a delayed effort to get out of the way but it isn't very successful considering both the fact that he hasn't opened his eyes and that the pillow has already hit him.

"An… mmph."

He isn't even going to attempt to decipher it but figures that maybe a phone somewhere _is_ringing. Eventually his hand lands on it and the fact that the phone is on the floor seems perfectly reasonable as he stabs at the buttons with fingers that feel somehow a little like sausages.

"'ello," he grunts.

There is a moment of silence. "… Don?"

Colby frowns. He doesn't _think_he's Don, but that sounds distinctly like Alan. He opens his eyes and the next rational explanation when he doesn't recognise the ceiling is that he must be at Don's. The headache seems to support this explanation. "Uh, no. Just-" he rolls over and blearily looks at the mounds of blankets scattered about. "Just let me find him." It might be a tall order, he realises, because he can't tell which mound is who.

"Is that you, Colby?" Alan sounds surprised.

"… yes?" He doesn't know why that felt like a trick question and rubs his eyes quickly.

"I was just calling to see if you all wanted to come over for lunch later," Alan says. Colby wonders if the strange note in the older man's voice is imaginary although if his imagination is as hungover as he feels presently then it is unlikely to be functioning enough to imagine anything at all. "If you all have the day off, which I'm guessing you do if you're still asleep now. Ask Don to let me know who will be coming, please. When you find him, that is."

Blinking, he hears the dial tone and is left staring at the phone in his hand for a few seconds.

"D'you have to shout?" a gruff, Southern mumble emerges from the closest mound of blankets.

"Yeah," slurs the mound next furthest away. "Whaddaya doin' answering my phone anyway?"

"You're all weak," says the last mound of blankets, lifting a dark head and glaring at Colby with baleful eyes. "Few bottles of whiskey and can't even function. Shoulda let _me_answer the phone."

_08:57_

The loud, vibrating noise beside her ear shouldn't really be as startling as it is. Megan has woken up to a call to a crime scene more times than she can count but vague memories of the night before are bouncing around in her skull and they're disturbing enough that she isn't entirely sure that it _is_her phone.

It is, thankfully, and she answers it with a brisk "Reeves" that sounds far more awake than she actually is.

"Megan!" Alan sounds almost overly enthusiastic for a Sunday morning. "I've just called the boys to invite you all to lunch today but I think you might be a bit more reliable than Colby, I'm not sure he was entirely conscious. Is about one okay? How many of you are there?"

"Sure, Alan," she says automatically, lifting her head and counting the heads visible on various bits of furniture around the surprisingly neat living room which _isn't_hers. "That would be lovely. There are four of us. We've adopted a stray. Do you want us to bring anything?"

"Excellent." Alan sounds pleased. "I'll see you all in a few hours. I've got the food under control, maybe just bring some drinks?"

He's hung up before Megan can reply and she's left holding the phone and wondering whether more alcohol is really a wise idea.

_09:57_

On Sunday morning, Charlie realises that every bit of math he's done in support of David's hypothesis was based on a flawed assumption. He's spent the last four hours trying to figure out a way to salvage even just a little bit of the work but really, it isn't much more than a bunch of jumbled expressions anymore.

How did they think that it was appropriate to ignore the fact that the prevalence of victims found by joggers _could_be attributed to the fact that they are often the first people in areas statistically likely to be the dumping ground for the bodies of said victims?

With a sinking heart, he realises that after convincing David of their error, they're going to have to find a way to either subtly bury the matter or just hope it goes away on its' own. He has a horrible feeling that the others, Megan especially, are not going to let it go so easily after the intense arguments it has caused.

_10:42_

Larry decides to take an extra long bath before everyone arrives. Deciding to apologise to Megan for his behaviour over the last week was a rather simple decision when compared to actually figuring out how to deliver said apology.

She really is a rather intimidating woman when irked, he's discovered. Far from being unappealing, he finds the assertiveness oddly… titillating.

_11:06_

By about eleven, Ian thinks that he's scared the headache from his temples enough to fully emerge from the mound of blankets on the living room floor. He isn't sure why they all ended up there but the headache comes back with a vengeance whenever he thinks too hard so he doesn't bother.

Glancing around, he sees that Colby is dead to the world all over again, Billy is half awake but drooling on the hardwood floor and Don is staring up at the ceiling with a furrow in his forehead.

"Edgerton," Don says, rolling over slightly and looking at him with slight confusion but overall looking much less wrecked than the empty bottles scattered about suggest. "Did someone call earlier?"

Ian wouldn't admit it but he has to think really hard to remember the phone ringing and throwing a pillow at Colby to answer it. "Yes," he says decisively. "Granger answered it."

Don rolls back towards the tangle of limbs that is Colby and reaches out, pushing against his shoulder. "Oi, Colb."

Startled awake, Colby flails pathetically before groaning and opening his eyes. "Christ."

"Who called earlier?" Don asks, letting his arm fall. It lands half on Colby's face and the man makes an odd kind of gasping noise before blinking his way fully awake and pushing Don's forearm to the floor.

The concentration and effort on Colby's face as he thinks is possibly the most comical thing Ian has seen in a very long time and he doesn't even bother to hide the smirk on his face although the ceiling is probably the only thing that notices it.

"Pretty sure it was your dad to invite us all to lunch," he says after a long silence. "Unless I dreamed it but I'm pretty sure if I had, rib eye would have been involved in more than an imaginary way. I should message David about it." He rolls over, scrabbling for his cell phone.

"Mm, rib eye," Billy mumbles happily, blinking lazily. Eventually his eyes stay open for longer than a few seconds. "Hey, guys?"

"Mm?" Don and Ian ask in unison, both staring at the ceiling again as though it holds the answers to the universe. Colby just flings his forearm over his eyes with a pitiful whimper after dropping his cell back into the blankets.

"What're we all doing on the floor? And since when have you had this many blankets?"

_11:25_

Ana's apartment is surprisingly swanky, in Liz's opinion. When she says so, the younger woman shrugs and mumbles something about rich grandparents before hurrying off to the kitchen with Amita in tow.

Megan is sprawled on the couch, looking thoughtful. "I wonder how lunch at Charlie's is going to go," she says. "Assuming everyone turns up. I wouldn't be surprised if Sinclair chickens out just because he knows he's wrong and we're going to kick his ass at some point."

"Did Alan say whether they were all going?" Liz asks. She needs to have a serious conversation with Alan about whether her worries are baseless, or real. She isn't entirely sure which one she'd rather, which is an upsetting thought.

"He said he called them but that Colby didn't sound entirely conscious so he figured I was more reliable."

Liz frowns. "Why would he have called Colby of all people?"

Mirroring the frown, Megan shrugs. "I would have thought he would have called Don first, maybe he couldn't get a hold of him though. I guess we'll see when we get there."

Both women have a feeling that this conversation, this moment, is going to be the point they look back at when the day is over and realise that really, they should have expected whatever ended up happening.

It isn't a comforting thought.

_12:11_

David gets a phone call from Charlie shortly after a mangled text from Colby saying something about lunch at the Eppes'. There is an odd moment of silence when he answers Charlie's call before the mathematician blurts out a flurry of words.

He catches a few here and there, like 'wrong', 'joggers' and what might be 'should probably wear a cup'. It does not sound positive and he feels an odd sinking sensation in his stomach before wondering whether investing in some protective gear on the way to lunch might be a good idea.

_12:33_

Ana returns from the kitchen with a couple of bottles of wine, bright eyed and eager.

It is thoroughly unfair and Megan blames it on her youth and uncharitably thinks to herself that if the young agent had a tail, it would be bushy. Liz's face says that she's feeling much the same and Amita looks somewhere between the two extremes.

They silently designate Ana the driver by mutual agreement as some kind of payback.

_12:57_

It had taken a considerable amount of effort to get there on time but Don pulls the SUV into the driveway just before one. Billy and Colby are in the backseat and he doesn't even want to know what they're plotting if the smirk dancing around Ian's mouth is any indicator of things to come.

What must be Ana's car is there already, as is David's, and Don wonders whether begging off to his old room with a headache is a viable option. His passengers slide happily from the car and head towards the front door, chatting amongst themselves. He'd always known that introducing Billy and Ian had been a mistake but he wonders what on earth he was thinking when he willingly allowed Colby to join in.

Maybe the Bureau shrink was right, he can definitely see how this could be construed as self-destructive behaviour.

_13:01_

David and Megan's greetings to each other are so frosty that Alan immediately picks up on the tension. Billy, Colby, Don and Ian arrive before he has a chance to ask anyone what's going on and then he's distracted by starting the grill.

Charlie and David disappear with an oddly forlorn looking Larry out to the garage and in the meantime, his grown son and three other federal agents set up a wading pool he'd almost forgotten they still had.

He isn't sure what to think about that so he concentrates on flipping burgers and steaks and watching curiously as Amita, Liz and Megan engage in a quiet conversation with what appears to be the newest member of the team. There seems to be very little interaction between the two groups and he wonders what has caused the rift.

When Millie arrives, cheerfully greeting everyone and settling herself at the grill with a glass of wine, she looks at him curiously.

"Looks like the G-team are having a battle of the sexes. What's going on?"

"No idea," he replies with a frown.

_13:52_

"What do you _mean _we're wrong?" David asks desperately for what must be the twenty sixth time in the last hour.

"We allowed our bias to let us make flawed assumptions," Larry says absently, for what also must be the twenty sixth time in the last hour.

Charlie thinks that he might just slam their heads together and make a run for it. Megan looks hungover and he thinks that with enough of a head start he might manage to outrun her long enough for Larry to snap out of it and save him.

_14:19_

Billy and Colby survey the inflated kiddie pool that is now filled with water. Colby looks inordinately proud and Don wonders if perhaps drowning himself in it is a good plan because Liz is eventually going to either castrate or eviscerate him if the glares burning into the back and sides of his head are any indicator.

Billy and Ian are sprawled on the grass nearby, whispering, and Don thinks that drowning is probably safest right now.

_14:35_

Larry approaches the women timidly.

Megan's eyes dart towards him as her face lights up.

"Megan," he says solemnly. "I am very sorry I allowed myself to be lured into such childishness and neglected to put appropriate effort into maintaining the structure of our current relationship. I will understand if you wish to rethink things."

Her smile goes from relieved to suggestive and Liz thinks she's the only one who sees the sly high five that Amita and Ana share as Megan leads Larry towards the garage.

If she listens carefully, she thinks she hears Megan snarl "Out!" and seconds later Charlie and David scuttle through the door and around the side of the house.

_16:20_

Alan leaves Millie chatting happily to Amita, Ana and Ian and approaches Liz who is on her own with what is probably a warm glass of wine by now.

"What's going on with David and Megan?" he asks quietly, sitting beside her. The glare that Liz throws at Colby and Don is both terrifying in intensity and confusing in origin because he doesn't remember mentioning them.

"Don's been on coffee strike and David has gone insane and is determined to prove that there is a cult of murderers who run together in the mornings. Megan's annoyed that he brainwashed Larry. Alan, have you ever had doubts about Don's sexuality? I think he's cheating on me with Colby."

All Alan can do is blink when he remembers that Colby had answered Don's phone that morning.

At that exact moment there is a loud splash that draws their attention.

_16:22_

Don is completely unprepared for Colby to trip and crash into him. His legs don't hold under the other man's body weight as well and they both hit the ground. Suspiciously wet ground.

Opening his mouth to protest this sudden development is a terrible decision as it very quickly fills with water and spitting it out leaves him half choking and spluttering while Colby does much the same. He knows that Colby does much the same because their legs are helplessly tangled and he's pretty sure that an inch either way would have some serious repercussions for their ability to ever look each other in the eye again.

_16:24_

Alan watches with a sick kind of fascination as Colby and Don flail helplessly in the slowly deflating kiddie pool. Liz takes in a deep, slow breath before calmly releasing it.

He knows that breath and it spells d-a-n-g-e-r unless he is very sorely mistaken.

Millie and Ian seem to find it hilarious if the cackling coming from their direction is any sign. Amita and Billy look torn between laughter and horrified sympathy.

He isn't sure what the expression on Ana's face is, the closest he can come to describing it is a cross between relief and glee.

"You know, I think I was wrong," Liz says thoughtfully and Alan doesn't know whether this is a good or a bad thing. "If he were gay and cheating on me with Colby I'm pretty sure they'd be trying to hide it, which they obviously aren't right now. Maybe they just don't know it yet? I wonder if there are signs that I missed."

She joins Ana and Billy and immediately engages them in a very earnest discussion.

Somehow Alan thinks that this doesn't bode well for Don _or _Colby.

_16:25_

Colby stops struggling after a moment and Don stops trying to expel the water from his lungs. He can make out a blurry Liz talking to an even blurrier Ana and Billy and there is a tired resignation in the way that he falls still under Colby.

"I think we m-might be in trouble, Colb," he mutters.

The other man turns his head and somehow drips water into Don's ear. Don knows the exact moment he sees Ana, Billy and Liz's terrifyingly serious faces because a very definite tremor runs through him.

"Oh shit."

* * *

**_In conclusion… well, really, did any of you expect anything else considering the rest of the week they've all had? A very merry Christmas to all of you and I hope that 2013 brings happiness, success and lots of wonderful stories both to and from all of you!_**


End file.
